you are my sunshine

It has been a very hard few days, I am solo parenting again, tomorrow is going to be our forth day alone with zero support and zero socializing, no school, no friends, no family. At times I felt like my heart is gonna stop literally and I have nothing left to do but to scream my anxiety and exhaustion out. I have never felt like this in so sooo long. To be honest, I haven't felt like this since my postpartum of my first newborn where everything was new to me and I had exactly no clue what I am doing. 

I am not in my best shape of mental state, am just over tired and sleep deprived, feeling so isolated and lonely, I don't actually like this version of myself, the controlling, anxious, unable to decide, absent, version of me, but this is also reality. 

I need to write, to paint, to just have fun. to focus and be content with life right now. 

Our days are good, the kids are excited and so energetic but I am just un able to keep up with all their needs, End of June heat wave is not helping as well, we are spending a lot of time indoor with no screen time.We are spending our days doing art and baking and learning, we are having a quality time and bonding but we are also fighting and I am losing my temper on the most simple things, lame accident I never used to scream or make an issue about, I am just so extremely burnt out I am losing it more than ever. It aches my heart that I am getting out of my nature just because I lack the support currently, I can only pray and wish that my kids goes to sleep knowing that I am just in love with them and our simple days, and spending this time with them means the world to me, even though the exhaustion and sleep deprivation is keeping me from showing them the best of me, failing to show them unconditional love, especially in time of solo parenting, when they need it the most, when their father is away. 

I just needed a place to pour my feelings in, to pray for a better tomorrow and more patient self. Also, a reminder for me and, for you, if you are feeling this way, just know that gloomy days and mindsets are temporary, the darker the days are, the brighter the tomorrows will be <3